This essay was written as a part of a collaborative exercise with fellow writers in the Delhi NCR Substack group. Links to their essays are at the end of the article.
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Some connections are ephemeral, some transitional, some momentary and some divine-like. Every connection brings different emotion with it — while some make us feel safe, some appear very intimidating and thus their existence is questioned time and again. But I have realized over the period of time that every connection, be it therapeutic or be it toxic, brings some learning for us. And this is what happened with such a connection which I never imagined would have a colossal impact on me.
I would only meet her once or twice in six months, the time period which requires us to brace up, work through, dig into vast amounts of data and other such deep stuff and then come up with some sort of theory which might have never been theorized before. These meetings were pretty formal — a greeting, then straightforward discussion and then a goodbye with a reminder to meet soon after some heavy duty work.
But early in this year, something changed in the way I met her. It was like meeting a therapist who would tell you things you knew maybe or wanted to listen to, but coming from her — felt like cathartic.
I waited outside her room restlessly, while pacing the narrow, windowless corridor which allows only one person to pass through at a time. 15 minutes felt like eternity and my stomach churned acid at the speed of 100km/sec (if that is even possible). While I was pacing up and down, I was trying to build a narrative to the forthcoming conversation, which I had been avoiding for days & weeks. But now I could not linger more, as it was due date. As the door opened, I saw her sitting on the chair with short grey hair, and that calm face. I always wondered how she managed to maintain a sense of calmness, even in pressing situations; an art I have been trying to learn for long and its taking eternity to ace it.
As I greeted her and sat down, I could feel the acid doing whirlpools inside my gut. I tried not to appear perturbed, but I suck at making a poker face. The conversation started with how life is in general, at work etc. and then suddenly the dreaded question — “So where are we?”
I forgot the narrative which I was building all these days, and blurted out honestly. “I think I would like to leave”. She sounded hurt, but appeared calm (as usual). With a faint smile, she asked — “But I thought we were back”. To this I replied, “I also thought so, but every time I take a step forward, I feel a force pulling me back. It’s as if something is stopping me from going ahead with it”. Then she asked me the most unanticipated question — “Will you regret it?”. I paused and replied — “Not really, as these 5 years have given me a lot which I am grateful for”. She looked into the other side of the room and paused. I tried to shift my attention to the surroundings in the room. A hand-painted portrait of her, with a yellow backdrop and a circular frame, hangs quietly on the wall behind her. It looks like an animated version of her—but with that same calm, familiar energy. She then went on to ask — “ You look sad, hope everything is alright?”. I felt embarrassed, as she could easily decode my inner thoughts with my facial expressions. I sheepishly responded — “No no, I am not sad, it’s just that it feels too overwhelming to be in a state where I feel dismal and useless. It feels claustrophobic at times, almost like I am choking. I think it’s too much for me, and I won’t be able to take it now, so I would like to exit gracefully. I know we decided we will give it a try, and I did try for almost 3 months to get back, but I just don’t see it happening”. Again a pause. This time it felt like a stab in the chest. The silence for seconds reverberated her room, full of books, files and other academic stuff. I could feel the sweat trickle down my forehead in the wintery month, and I wished I did not have the jacket on. What came next changed the course of the whole conversation and also shifted something inside me. She calmly asked — “ How can I help you?” I sat there in amazement, listening to her and wondering to myself — “God has been very kind to me lately, but this felt surreal. It feels like an unseen energy hovering above and trying to protect me from the inner demons who have been slaying my morale. On one side it’s the foolish me, trying to run away from something I have invested years in, with all the sweat, energy and time; and on the other side she sat, calmly listening to my sheepish blabbering, and offering me comfort”. I could only feel gratitude in those split seconds, but it wasn’t enough for me to process those thoughts through my amygdala and then through my prefrontal cortex. It was as if I had already gone into a fight and flight mode, wherein I did not know how to react, and thus sat their clueless and expressionless. Somehow the silly narrative I had built decided to hit me just at the wrong time, and I spoke the damn words. “So how do we close it”? She asked me to drop a formal mail so that we could discuss it with others in the meeting next week. We exchanged some warm words with a small hug, and closed the interaction. My chest felt heavy, like a chunk of concrete pressing me into stillness.
The next morning, I sat at my work desk to draft the mail for my withdrawal while staring at the blank screen. It was probably the first time my hands trembled to write something and I could hear my own voice in the head which said —
“What have I done? What have I been doing? I have invested 5+ years into this Ph.D and I casually walked to my advisor to tell her that I want to quit as I felt overwhelmed. And there she sat quietly, listening like a shrink”. I felt stupid, embarrassed, idiotic and dumb at the same time. I wiped the trickling tears rolling down my face, while making sure no one watched me at the workplace. Suddenly, an adrenaline rush took over and the past 5 years came flashing by. I could revisit the tireless readings, writing, discussions, documentations, presentations — and suddenly it all made sense. It was like someone had opened the door for me, which got shut for long, as my inner conflicts were not ready to cross through it. The connection finally clicked in a completely different way. It felt like divinity whispering, “It’s time to give your best”—and really, who better to receive that message than my PhD advisor?
I opened my mail and quickly jotted the points I needed to prepare for the upcoming meeting for my doctoral thesis bi-annual review. In an instant, I could sense the gravity shift, making me feel lighter , and all I wanted was to sprint into action. I thanked my God, for bringing this sense of life back to me, where I felt like myself after such a long time.
It felt blessed to be acknowledged by someone, whom I was ready to forgo. I felt a sense of responsibility to my work, to this person and to the new connection that we had built over this conversation — and I pledged to myself that I would make both of us proud. It felt like homecoming!
The above essay is part of a series titled Connections/company by the Delhi NCR Substack Group. It was very tough to write this essay, but that’s the essence of writing — to bring out the best and the worst in you. I always find words as my outlet which help me release so many emotions. Some might disagree with me on sharing such personal thoughts in the form a public essay as it releases our vulnerable side, but then we are all human and I don’t feel the need to fit into any mould — as I have found myself after a very long time and with loads of effort. Therefore, to anyone reading this, I would only say one thing —
Don’t hold things inside just because you’re worried about what the world might think. Nobody is perfect or flawless, and it is these flaws that make us human and livable. If you find such a connection, embrace it and make sure you give your best, even if you don’t make it till the last — at least you tried.
Till the next post —
Creatively yours,
Parul Kapoor ❤️
Other essays from fellow writers:
Very beautifully written..too good Parul..there is so much to learn from this
This article comes at the perfect time! I love how you highlight the learning in every connection. What if we could algorithmically predict which forml ones turn cathartic?